Pregnancy After Adoption

We are an usual family. For one thing we have adopted. Not too uncommon, but still not the norm for every family out there. But, then we went one step further, we had a biological child after adopting. I know that there are other families that have done this, but I think it is rare. I have only read the blogs/met three other families that have adopted and then had a bio kid.

Pregnancy after adoption is a very different experience. First off, my kids had a hard time understanding what pregnancy was and how it was different from how we got Fi.

Before I got pregnant with Baby J, T thought that all babies came on airplanes. I tried to explain how babies grew in a mommy's tummy and then came out, but he would not believe me. I would even point out pregnant women at church and try to explain. However every time he would say, "no, mommy, babies come on airplanes." After all that was the only experience that he had and remembered mommy and daddy going on a plane and coming home with a 1 year old sister.

T and Fi knew that Fi came from Ethiopia and T even made up a country that he was adopted from. We couldn't persuade him differently. My pregnancy slowly helped explain the truth and they both finally believed me.

The pregnancy brought up some adoption issues with Fi too. Towards the end of the pregnancy she started asking if she would ever have to go back to Ethiopia. I have read that most adopted kids say this from time to time, but it was still sad to hear my daughter say it. I have no idea where she even got the idea. All we ever talk about is how we are a family forever. Even though Fi was a year old when she came home to us, she still feels the trauma and pain down deep. She also talked about how sad she was that she didn't get to grow in my tummy or nurse like the new baby will get to and like T got to. This just proves what all of the adoption books say, no matter how young the child is when separated from his/her birth mom they still have that trauma. It doesn't have to rule her life or define it, but it would be foolish to think that it will not effect her.

the Sisters

Now that baby J is here, Fi is crazy over her and constantly wants to kiss her. I look forward to seeing their sister relationship grow. My sister and I are super close even though we are 7 years apart and I really want that relationship for my two girls as well.

In the hospital after having baby, every nurse and midwife asked the same questions "is this your first baby?" "oh, how many kids do you have at home?" The answer for us is not so simple. Baby J was our 3rd child but my second birth. Then we would explain how our 3 year old was adopted from Ethiopia. Every time we got the strangest looks and usually a question along the lines of "so....did you think that you couldn't get pregnant again?"

I can't say that I really blame them for these types of questions, we are usual. Everyone was always impressed that we had adopted though and said how wonderful it was. This always angers my husband because people act like we are some kind of saints for adopting a child when we can get pregnant. We are the blessed ones for getting the privilege to raise our daughter.
And we feel sorry for families who have the ability to adopt and don't catch the dream and vision. For they are the ones missing out on the most amazing miracle and proof of God's love and redemption.

T getting to meet his new sister.

We may be different, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

Introducing Baby J

After 9 long hard months and 24 hours of rough labor (which almost turned into a C-section), Baby J has arrived safe and sound. She was born May 26th at 8pm. She is a big girl weighing in at 9 lbs 7 ounces. I have no idea how a baby that big ever fit inside me. I weighed 110 lbs before I got pregnant, but gained 55 lbs from start to finish.

She is called "Baby" by the family so far and the kids are in love. Though I am not sure that she likes them yet. She gets upset by all of the touching and kissing. It is a bit overwhelming and T and Fi are not as gentle as they should be, but they are trying their best.

Now we are trying to recover and adjust and boy is it hard.

Newborns are not very pretty looking and she was a little beat up poor thing. She came out purple because the cord was around her neck. The midwife got her out in time and they pinked her up pretty quickly.

Some thoughts on pregnancy:

This is me right before giving birth. 40 weeks and 3 days. So far both my babies have been late. I know that this is an awful thing to say, but I hated being pregnant. I loved my baby and would suffer all for her, but pregnancy and birth has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I did want to have a second biological birth and that is why we got pregnant with Baby J. My husband didn't really care about having any more bio kids and truthfully if we had had the money to adopt again we probably would have done that first. I did want to do this one last time. I hoped and prayed that it would be better than my first pregnancy with T.

It was a thousand times worse.

I was sick all nine months all of the time. It was so bad in the beginning that I couldn't even take care of the two kids that I had. Other people have had worse pregnancies than me (much worse), but I have realized that I just don't have the grace for it.

This pregnancy has made me realize that I am not meant to have children biologically. I can do it mind you, pretty well. I might be sick all of the time, but my babies are very big and healthy. Midwifes and doctors would always go on and on about how strong my babies' heart beats were and how healthy both of them were. But, I am not called to do it.

Now, flying to the other side of the world and being handed a 1 year old who screams all of the time because she doesn't know you are her new parents is no problem for me. It was emotional, hard, and I cried many times out of sadness for her pain, but I was in my element.

Adoption is what I am meant to do.

Pregnancy almost did me in.
It feels weak to admit it, but there it is. I wish I could be one of those happy moms who can pop babies out every few years, but nope not going to happen.

Not one regret though because look what I got for my 9 months of torture. I would endure anything for her, but she will more likely be my last bio kid so I will enjoy every minute of it.

Adoptive Mom Retreat

This last weekend I went to an adoptive moms retreat here in Atlanta. I didn't know anyone there, so this was very not like me. I am very shy and don't like crowds or even retreats for that matter, but I am a sucker for anything connected with adoption. The woman that they roomed with me was 8 months pregnant so it worked out perfectly. We both needed to eat all of the time and wanted to go to bed early :)

The retreat was nice and I made some friends. I was really looking forward to some of the seminars about different adoption topics. The African haircare was interesting but I didn't learn anything new. It was a little dissapointing, but it was geared towards moms that didn't know anything about haircare and I have been doing Fi's hair for 2 years now. The lecture that I really liked was about adopting older children and siblings group. It was the best seminar the whole weekend! The mom who spoke did a great job and a year ago had adopted a set of 2 yr old and 4 yr old brothers from Ethiopia. She said all of the things that I knew had to be true but people don't say about adoption. It was just very real and so nice to hear at last. She talked about how she still sleeps in the same room as her youngest after a year and how you can't expect your adopted child to be like every other kid right away. She really stressed thinking of your child according to their "family age" which means how long they have been home with you. For example, Fi is 3 years old but she has only been home 2 years so her family age is really 2 years old. Emotionally she is more like 2 years old and I need to remember that.

Clark and I already kind of think like this, but it was nice to hear. For example, ever since Fi came home from Ethiopia she has needed to sleep right next to me or Clark (but mostly wants Mommy). She still seems like she needs that so we are not going to try to get her sleep by herself. I believe that you really need to look at the big picture sometimes in parenting. In the big picture, Fi will someday sleep in a bed all night by herself. She will not be 14 yrs old and still in bed with me. And if we don't force it, it will probably happen sooner. A need met won't resurface later as an issue.

Anyway, I did enjoy the conference even though I was nauseous (but what is new). It was so odd to be away from the kids. I am never really away from them especially since I have been stuck at home being sick for so long. It was really hard to sleep away from them too. I slept much better the night I got back and got to snuggle again. I am glad to be home with my babies.

Snow and Adoption Day

Well, posting again at last. Sorry for the long wait. Things have gotten busy around here these last 6 months and I have not really been blogging. Our big news is that baby number 3 will be making her way into this world at the end of May. We are very excited and so are the kids. The only hard part is that I am very very sick. 24/7. I have not been able to go really anywhere or do anything for these last five months. I am lucky to be able to take care of the kids everyday.

Well, here are some January highlights:

We had a huge snow down here in the south and were snowed in for a whole week. The kids loved it.

Adoption day was at the end of January and we celebrated 2 years of Fi being home. She is only now starting to understand some parts of her adoption story and likes talking about it. Her favorite presents were a set of African dolls from Cameroon from her Grandparents and her new adoption life book from Mommy and Daddy. The book go through her story and explains her adoption.

I can't believe that it has only been 2 years, it feels much longer. The books are right though, it does take about a year to really bond and get to the point where it feels like she was always with us. But, after that point it keeps feeling like forever. In a good way of course.

We are certainly blessed with our little Fi.